My Financial Valentine.  1993. 

It should have been the date of a lifetime.  Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, fluent in French, sweet, worldly (a doctor to boot!) asked me out.  We were going to Le Gavroche, surely a Dream Date for my mom’s generation.  For me in the 1990s, It was my Worst Nightmare.  Granted, he was a doctor, but that didn’t guarantee he’d pick up the cheque, and I simply didn’t have Le Gavroche kind of money.  But not a chance I’d admit it.

So I put on my sexiest little dress, practiced my French and hoped to hell the Visa-Cupid would magically raise my credit limit that very night.  Needless to say, my flirting skills were diminished as I silently calculated each $25-bite-of-dinner and $30-sip-of-wine. A real conversation killer.

Why is it that we can have sex, bare our childhood-trauma secrets and even get all the way to the altar yet remain coy about matters of personal finance?  What is it about money that is so acutely sensitive?  That feels too vulnerable to disclose to the one who sees us the morning after?   Dr. Phil, any ideas?

All I know is that this matters.  Stress and fights about money can severely cripple relationships.  Financial conflict is one of the leading causes of divorce.

I offer as a Financial Valentine the following points on introducing financial conversation into romance:

1.  Decide here and now that a Financial Discussion, even if awkward and un-sexy, is a foundational part of any grown up relationship.  The time for it may vary, but until it occurs, the relationship hasn’t moved out of fairytale status.

2.  The initial conversation may prove easy, with enough agreement to function well together.  Then again, it may be unpleasant and scary.  Just as in all conflicts, you may need to bring all your negotiation skills to the table (and maybe some good beer).  This is not insurmountable, but a chance to grow as a couple.  It may require  several attempts, and that’s OK.

3.  Eliminate Judgement.  There are usually deep seated reasons for our financial behaviours.  Tread carefully and respectfully.

4.  Stay Optimistic.  This is a chance for you, as a couple, to define and shape healthy operating principles.  Ultimately, this can only serve you well as you get on with the wonder of love and relationship.

Happy Valentine’s Day, and best wishes to those who embark on financial discussion with your partner.   And remember, its never too late to begin a financial conversation, no matter how far down the relationship road you are.