Well…so much for “forward planning”. Now I know why I don’t do this on a regular basis!
So, what happened this time is pretty much the same thing that has happened when I tried to do “forward planning” in the past: I calculated my needs, saw the number, looked at how many paycheques I have until the first major expense occurs and then felt completely overwhelmed and discouraged…”I’ll never be able to set aside THAT much each pay between now and then!” is what I thought. Then I simply reverted to my usual pattern, which is to think “I have no idea how I’m gonna make this all happen…I’ll just put aside as much as possible until the time comes and then I’ll make it all work somehow - relying on credit if I have to, to make up whatever I cannot save ahead.”

And there, dear readers, lies one of the most firmly established roots of my debt-load!

So, in the post-mortem analysis of this exercise, my observations are:

a) I rarely engage in forward planning because it nearly always feels unmanageable considering my regular income/expense/discretionary income ratio. (Which makes me yearn to earn more in my day job, as well leaving me feeling frustrated that my secondary source of income is a fledging work-in-process that needs time to develop AND I don’t have a substantial source of passive income);

b) This pattern is OLD and keeps me feeling that “I’ll never have anything” because my day job income does not provide any bonuses or increases beyond standard cost-of-living due to the nature of the contract I’m hired under; therefore, unless I’m prepared to devote most of my discretionary income to savings, I won’t be amassing great fortunes of savings any time soon. Since I already live relatively simply (I don’t live the way I would if I made as much as I would like to earn) and I have very little room left to pare down before I feel stifled and deprived, I feel the return of that vicious cycle of “how will I EVER get ahead?!”(…or get out of debt, or have six months of expenses saved, or own property, or…you get it).

c) I’m aware that this sounds suspiciously like perfectionistic all or nothing thinking and there is probably a more productive approach I could be taking here…but I confess at this point it escapes me!

Despite feeling this frustration I still managed to put away $100 in savings from last week’s pay, with the intention to add more before month’s end if at all possible.

The two things I find most difficult here are:

1) Despite all that great advice you hear from the financial gurus who tell you to pay yourself first, I cannot simply choose 1/3 of the expenses I would like to have by 3 periods from now and set it aside because I simply don’t earn enough to do that - in this instance I left my “saving” for too close to the deadline. And saving a pre-determined amount each pay every pay over the year somehow always seems to get off track as invariably unexpected things crop up no matter HOW well I plan. Then if I “fall off” the savings plan I feel defeated.

2) I notice that even though I plan to use them, there is substantial psychological impact when I use my savings because it is such hard work growing them, I simply don’t want to withdraw them! The feeling that results on withdrawal is, “what if I can’t replace that [again/quickly]?” Then what? FEAR.

So, despite all my grown and progress these last two years, my savings habits/abilities are feeling distinctly inadequate at present. I seem to get to certain threshold, use up the savings and then have to start all over again. Ergo *I* feel woefully inadequate too. Sigh.

Ok, Coach Nancy…over to you for analysis and feedback. (Preferably this will involve some magic solution that doubles my income overnight….HA!)

Kat