More revelations this week…dealing with money feels very much like housework to me…that is to say: never-ending. Regardless of the fact that I take care of business (whether it’s cleaning or finances), come the end of the day, there’s always more to do. And if I just skip it, there’s even more the next day and with every day that passes I feel less and less like dealing with it! This is the battle I face to be on top of my money…or to exercise…or to eat well….or to meditate…or to have a consistently clean house…or to do any number of other disciplines which require effort, planning, dedication, commitment. Well, at least if one wants to reap the rewards each of these things offers.

This past weekend I recognized big fear around removing the obstacles I put in my own way. Who will I be without those obstacles? How will my life change? What will success in ALL areas of my life really feel/look like? What will happen if I pull out all the stops and just do what’s required so I keep growing and growing in success? Aaaagggghhhh! Fear. Fear which seems completely irrational to me.

I believe that at least partly it’s about feeling that if I discard old habits and coping mechanisms (like retail therapy), that I’ll feel like a failure if one day I choose to do that again - or want to. Sort of a “there’s no going back” mentality. That I would feel worse to have “reformed” so-to-speak, and then “fall off the wagon”. That’s true in part for what I’m feeling about struggling to record my expenses. I’ve done this already before, so what’s making it so difficult to do it again? Can’t answer this one yet…just going to keep doing my best to keep taking manageable steps every day. Some days there may be lots of little steps, others, not so many. I’m striving to find my balance, be gentle with myself, encourage myself like I would my best friend who needs my support. I also need trust: in myself, my capabilities, in the help and support of those around me who want to see me reach my goals.